Mentoring and Coaching Task 1

I’ve always thought of myself as a good listener. Now, I’m less certain. I don’t have a problem being a fully present listener. My weak spot is that I am an “I listener” first and foremost. “Individuals reared in Western culture develop the often counter-productive notion that one contributes to a conservation by speaking or interjecting” (Lipton 21). Culturally, I was raised to believe that conversing means taking turns speaking. Therefore when I'm not talking, I'm waiting to talk, preparing to talk. It was also ingrained in me that we demonstrate understanding and empathy by sharing personal stories similar to those we are hearing. Before our reading, I had become more aware of this, recognizing that sharing an “I” story can shift the focus to me instead of keeping it on the person sharing. But Lipton and Wellman have clarified this tendency. The other downfall in my listening is the tendency to provide solutions. I recognize that there are situations where it’s not helpful to provide a solution, it’s more helpful to simply listen. 

Since the reading, I have been more analytical of my personal conversations. I think this active reflection and analysis of personal conversations will lead to better listening as I’m approaching it from the other side (more mentee than mentor). I have discovered that my spouse has a tendency to clarify details. As the storyteller, this can be frustrating because it shifts the focus of the conversation, forcing an emphasis on elements that are inconsequential. 

Though some of us are more attuned to physical cues than others, I believe that “attending fully” in a conversation has a strong physical component to it. Physically we should be turned to our mentee, eyes directed to them, leaning forward perhaps. Removing distractions such as phones is critical.

Now that I’m more aware of the pitfalls of listening and conversing, especially my own tendencies, I can be more mindful of my habits and be a better active listener. This self-reflection is necessary for growth. After a conversation with my brother, I realize I have a long way to go. He shared a challenging experience he was dealing with and I reverted to the habit of sharing my challenges. I wish I had allowed him more time and focused on more active listening. Just had the privilege of another conversation with my brother and did a better job with maintaining the focus on his situation but reverted to thinking of ways to solve his problem as he was speaking. I’ll keep trying!

Form P, “The Invitation” (Lipton 121) provides suggestions for inviting the mentee to share their thinking and attempt problem-solving in a safe environment. Properly employed this method should make the mentee feel confident by reminding them that they have the knowledge and experience to pull from in order to frame problem situations and consider solutions. Using prompts like, “Given your knowledge of” or “Based on your experience with” the mentee has a launching point to comfortably share. Combining this with language like “might, could, seems” also invites both agreement and disagreement to the suggestions. I can imagine using this technique after some time has passed and the mentee and mentor have some shared experience that the mentor can use to remind the mentee. Perhaps during the “survival” or “disillusionment” phase. 

Works Cited

Lipton, Laura, and Bruce M. Wellman. Mentoring Matters: A Practical Guide to Learning-focused Relationships. 3rd ed., Sherman, MiraVia, LCC, 2018.